VOICEMAIL
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Here on this page are a few funny ones used by either myself or people that I know.
#1 one is courtesy of Odette, #2 was the one my dad used for years and all the rest are what my husband and I made up.
(1)
“Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy Spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 316.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics. Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.”
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(2)
“Hello. City Morgue. You stab ‘em - we slab ‘em! Head stiff speaking.”
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(3)
In the background of this one you can hear the sounds affects of a haunted house and witches cackling, etc.
“Hello. You've reached the Haunted Mansion, home of serial killers and wicked witches amongst other dark denizens of the night. How may we take your breath away? Which cemetery plot are you trying to reach? Please leave us a detailed message along with instructions to your house. Mua haaa haaa haaaa”
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(4)
In the background of this one you can hear the sounds affects of a haunted house.
“Mua haa haa haaaa. Welcome to the Nelson house of horrors ~ we're busy torturing criminals and ripping legs off spiders right now. Leave your spooky message etched in blood and we'll call you back later if we get bored. Boogedy boggedy.”
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(5)
“If this is a harassing, threatening or obscene phone call you obviously have the wrong number. You are likely looking for (give your local police # here) and they will be more than happy to take your call. For those of you not into that sort of thing, Hi! This is the Nelson residence. Please leave a message after the beep and one of us will return your call when available.”
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(6)
In the background of this one you can hear the chorus of “Jingle Bells” ~ I had it timed perfectly.
“Ho Ho Ho ~ you’ve reached the Santa Nelsons. Santa and the elves are busy wrapping gifts right now ~ and Rudolph's teaching the reindeer how to fly. So please, leave your Merry Message after the Christmas beep and the Santa Nelson you want will return your call when available. Merry Christmas.”
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(7)
“And the good Lord said, 'When thou hearest the beep tone my child, thous shalt surrender they good name, they phone number and some words of wisdom if thou hast them. And now ... the beep tone.”
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This background created by me ~ check out AngelBreath Designs
