"QUOTES & HUMOUR FOR WOMEN"
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
..... Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
..... Janette Barber
You reach a certain age and your body doesn't react like it used to. Fat just jumps on your body. When you're in your teens, you can eat a whole bag of Oreo cookies. Nothing happens. Now I'm in my late thirties. I eat just one and my butt expands while I'm chewing.
..... Author Unknown
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
..... Author Unknown
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
..... Jan King
A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling, "Hey, come back here with my breast!"
..... Linda Ellerbee
They say marriage is a contract. No, it's not. Contracts come with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can't take him back to his mama's house. "I don't know; he just stopped working. He's just laying around making a funny noise."
..... Wanda Sykes-Hall
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
..... Lily Tomlin
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.
..... Geri Jewell
Why can't a man be beautiful and intelligent at the same time? Because he would be a she.
..... Author Unknown
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
..... Carrie Snow
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
..... Phyllis Diller
You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.
..... Author Unknown
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
..... Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
..... Erma Bombeck
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
..... Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
..... Rhonda Hansome
Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?
..... Elayne Boosler
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
..... Jane Sellman
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
..... Joan Rivers
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
..... Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
..... Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
..... Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
..... Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
..... Catherine Aird
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss... and they called ME slow!
..... Kathy Buckley
Behind every successful woman... is a substantial amount of coffee.
..... Stephanie Piro
Behind every successful woman... is a basket of dirty laundry.
..... Sally Forth
"I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
..... Rita Rudner
"Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock."
..... Author Unknown
"When I was a child, the Dead Sea was just sick."
..... Author Unknown
"Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors."
"I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back."
..... Zsa Zsa Gabor
"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."
..... Dorothy Parker
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
..... Author Unknown
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
..... Author Unknown
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
..... Rita Rudner
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
..... Author Unknown
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