Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone #31 - 40
[31]
A man was in a car dealership when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". He asked the manager what had happened.
The manager told him that the owner had been driving down the highway when he got hungry, so he had set the motor home on "cruise control" and then went into the back to make a sandwich...
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[32]
Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.
He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said.
The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
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[33]
Ed arrived home some six hours late from his usual Saturday golf foursome. Edna, his wife, immediately lit into him: "You have some nerve leaving me home alone all day. I had to cancel dinner with our friends and send the baby sitter home. You better have a good explanation, mister!"
Flustered, Ed told Edna that their game was interrupted by the untimely sudden death of Stan, one of their playing partners. "Edna, honey, Stan died of a massive heart attack just as we were about to tee off on two. If there's a silver lining, it's that he went suddenly doing what he loved best."
Saddened, Edna comforted her husband, "I'm so sorry. But tell me something," Edna asked, with a note of anger returning to her voice, "If he died on the first tee, what took you so long?"
"Well," said Ed, "for the next seventeen holes it was the same thing: Hit the ball and drag Stan, Hit the ball and drag Stan."
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[34]
A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood.
The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer.
"Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked.
The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."
"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked.
"Nope."
"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?"
"Nope."
Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?" he said.
"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost.
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[35]
The reception area of the doctor's office was filled to capacity, but the doctor was working at his usual snail's pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up and headed for the door.
When everyone stopped talking to look at him, he announced, "I guess I'll just go home and die a natural death."
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[36]
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
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[37]
On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. As traffic began to pile up in all directions, a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, honey. I've had a course in first aid."
She stood up and watched as he took the man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. Then she tapped him on the shoulder.
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here."
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[38]
I harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes, and fell into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six or seven of my students to England," he said.
"What on earth for?" his wife asked.
"It might make them feel good to see what it's like to drive on the left side of the road-legally."
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[39]
Milo passed away and Bud called 911. The 911 operator told Bud that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bud replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bud said, "How 'bout if I drag 'er over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"
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[40]
The doctor handed her overweight patient a bottle of pills.
"Don't take these pills," she said. "Spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one by one."
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