Angel's Craft
"QUOTES
& HUMOUR FOR WOMEN"
The
hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
Helen
Hayes (at 73)
I
refuse to think of them as chin hairs.
I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Janette
Barber
You
reach a certain age and your body doesn't react like it used to. Fat just jumps on your body. When you're in your teens, you can eat a
whole bag of Oreo cookies. Nothing
happens. Now I'm in my late
thirties. I eat just one and my butt
expands while I'm chewing.
Author
Unknown
I
love being married. It's so great to
find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Who
ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an
envelope and send it to someone.
Jan
King
A
few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden
retriever. When I bent over to pick up
the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The
dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling,
"Hey, come back here with my breast!"
Linda
Ellerbee
They
say marriage is a contract. No, it's
not. Contracts come with warrantees.
When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can't
take him back to his mama's house.
"I don't know; he just stopped working. He's just laying around making a funny noise."
Wanda
Sykes-Hall
Things
are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
Lily
Tomlin
You
know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's
plucking your eyebrows. That's how I
originally got pierced ears.
Geri
Jewell
Why
can't a man be beautiful and intelligent at the same time? Because he would be a she.
A
male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
Carrie
Snow
Whatever
you may look like, marry a man your own age.
As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis
Diller
You
don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you
love her.
Laugh
and the world laughs with you. Cry and
you cry with your girlfriends.
Laurie
Kuslansky
My
second favorite household chore is ironing.
My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma
Bombeck
Old
age ain't no place for sissies.
Bette
Davis
A
man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
Rhonda
Hansome
Have
you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready
to wear again?
Elayne
Boosler
The
phrase "working mother" is redundant.
Jane
Sellman
I
knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.
Joan
Rivers
Every
time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
Jennifer
Unlimited
Whatever
women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.
Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte
Whitton
Thirty-five
is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
Caryn
Leschen
I
try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Jennifer
Unlimited
If
you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
Catherine
Aird
When
I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they
realized I actually had a hearing loss... and they called ME slow!
Kathy
Buckley
Behind
every successful woman... is a substantial amount of coffee.
Stephanie
Piro
Behind
every successful woman... is a basket of dirty laundry.
Sally
Forth
"I
know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take
care of them."
Rita
Rudner
"Middle
age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will
get you home by nine o'clock."
"When
I was a child, the Dead Sea was just sick."
"Bankruptcy
is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give
your coat to your creditors."
"I
never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back."
Zsa
Zsa Gabor
"If
you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it
to."
Dorothy
Parker
Depression
is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I'm
not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I
think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita
Rudner
Eighty
percent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.
Check
out my web links page to see where I got my neat new
backgrounds.